Torture

I had a dream last night about The Hunger Games. I find the world of The Hunger Games fascinating, and I go through periods of hyperfixation. Images or ideas get stuck in my brain on a loop, and that’s why I don’t consume much new-to-me media: it will take up space in my brain and I can’t stop it. 

My dream was about Peeta’s torture: it bore no resemblance to the actual books or movies, but only what my own awful brain could conjure up. Tasers. Donald and Melania Trump. Shopping in a store with messy narrow aisles. The dream had a triumphant ending. Peeta managed to escape on his own. A kindly living history interpreter showed him the way to the boats that would take him to Key West. 

A happy ending, a triumph. The CBT-I doctor and I had worked on ways of reconfiguring dreams so they’d be less disturbing, so there’d be more wins.

But.

I still had a dream about torture. Had to experience it and couldn’t stop it, unlike a book or movie. I still had a dream that could have ended as a nightmare at any point. I could stop reading about/watching The Hunger Games. I could stop reading about politics. Okay. I had read about Key West earlier in the day, so that wasn’t a surprise to see it in my dream. Do I stop reading about anything? Do I stop going shopping? Yes a dream about Key West and messy aisles wouldn’t be as upsetting, but why are those images so vivid in the first place? 

Now that it’s been nearly a year since my treatment ended, I’ve been able to articulate questions I wished I’d ask: how do I get it to stop. The doctor said I can see him again any time, but I can’t bear to know the truth.