What Are the Good Things?

My sleep schedule has been messed up all this week. Last night, I was up until 3 AM and woke up at 11 AM. It’s 8:52 PM now, and I’m tired, but I haven’t taken a nap, hoping I can go to sleep around 10 or 11 PM. It is always such a fight to get back on track. There’s two voices, one saying “isn’t it just easier to nap, stay up late, sleep in?” And one saying, “you fucking failure, this was a good little try, you had your fun, but now it’s time to give up.”

Why did I seek treatment, and why do I continue despite how difficult it is much of the time?

I was suicidal, the “making plans and wills” type. I was exhausted, sleeping poorly. I had terrible nightmares, and I’d stay up as late as possible because I was afraid to sleep. Because I was tired all the time, I couldn’t enjoy hobbies or time with friends. I literally couldn’t keep living that way.

At the time, I swore I’d do anything to get better. I’m trying my best to keep that promise.

After a year and a half, a combination of medication and CBT-I took me from an average in 2024 of 5.7 nightmares a month (the highest month had 12!) to an average in 2025 of 1.3 nightmares a month (the highest month had 4). The amount of nightmares one should have is 0, so I’m still behind the curve. But that is a serious reduction. Many months this year have had 0 nightmares. Zero!

Part of the fight is because I want to be awake at night. I like it, I genuinely feel alert and creative. But being able to get up at a “normal” time (8:30 AM) has also improved my life. I don’t have to fret about an early meeting at work. I can participate in activities in the evening because I don’t need to account for a three hour nap.

In 2023 and in 2025, I participated in a weeknight axe throwing league. Which is super fun, and I highly recommend doing it. In 2022, the experience was fun but also hellish. I’d come home from work at 4:15, sleep until 6, then rush out the door for League, no time for food. I was tired, headachey. In 2025, I no longer needed the nap. I could relax, eat some dinner, then head to League. I was able to enjoy the experience more fully. 

The reworked sleep schedule, the fewer bad dreams and nightmares, means I can more fully engage in my own life. I suppose the insomnia treatment reflects my bipolar treatment. I miss those manic episodes sometimes, I’d get so much work done! But then I’d crash and couldn’t do anything for weeks. Now I can “work” (paid work, but also hobbies, reading books, etc) at a steadier pace. I like painting in my studio from 11 PM to 2 AM, but now I can paint throughout the day, not just steal some time at night. Maybe I’m not as creative or deeply weird as I was while untreated, but I can now have a good quality of life.